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Most of us have seen the scenario more times than we can count: A woman in the grocery store with two kids in the basket, with no wedding band and no man in sight She might even be pregnant at the time, leading you to wonder how she is going to provide for those kids by herself.
In the black community, the single parent issue has taken our community by storm. Over 70% of all African American children come from single parent households, and many children suffer as a result. Is this a problem? If it is, what can be done to resolve it?
We asked members of the Your Black World blogging team to chime in, their reactions are below. You can give your take on the issue in the comments section as well:
My observation has been that our generation does not seem to value commitment the way that prior generations did. We seem to think in terms of our individual well-being rather than keeping the family unit together. I believe that if we restored a sense of value to family and the well-being of our children, we would start to see less children grow up in single parent homes.
Relationships have ceased to be relationships. They are mere exchanges. Men and women are now in it for what they can get out of it. For some women, that’s become as simple as extra money needed for stability. For some men, that’s as simple as having one’s s****l needs satisfied. That’s good Wild Kingdom stuff, but it in no way leads to a lasting and loving relationship. There is no tie that binds, just “What can you do for me?” and “What have you done for me, lately?”So, of course, both parties eventually go their own way. “On to the next one” inevitable leaves single mothers to go it alone.
There are so many single black mothers in America because a large majority of black women have deduced their value to their v*gina. It’s my belief that the mass incarceration of black men has led to a mass panic among black women to “s****h up” a decent black man as soon as they can by having his baby.
There are many reasons why there are so many single mothers, from the change in the family nucleus in America to the lack-there-of in black families. One observation is that the black american family never really had a chance. From slavery to mass incarceration, men have been continually removed from the nucleus, making the single black mother a common and visible family dynamic. With years of that as the visible set up, the two-parent family becomes much less of a social expectation. The single mother design is so prominent that there are fewer visible instances where having a father around is better.
Then from that, who is teaching black youth how to build a stable relationship, commit to a marriage and then have children? Unwed and divorced parents must find it difficult to explain to their children why waiting until marriage a difficult task. Abstinence is taught as such a surreal accomplishment and is often pushed aside, or altered, for longer conversations on prevention. So if it really isn’t clear that having s*x is a choice, then how are they supposed to value it as a decision?
Young men and women will wait for “the right person” but not for their husband, have s*x, and then struggle with the consequences of having children. The man then feeling as if his decision to have s*x wasn’t truly that, a conscious decision made by two consenting partners sharing equal responsibility, feels no obligation to his partner or his child. He then leaves creating another single female parent nucleus.
There are black single mothers because black men are not stepping up to the plate. Meaning that most of them have not taken the initiative to better themselves so how could they possibly provide for a household? Rather than wait for a man to get it together, black women have no choice but to keep it moving and take up the slack, so that their children will not be without. The other side is, that those men that are doing the right thing are often denied access to their children because the mother will try and use the children as pawns in order to get back at the father.
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Samara
April 5, 2013 at 11:30 am
It’s time out for all of this foolishness. Women need to take responsibility for their s****l, emotional, and financial well-being. Making babies without a husband and financial stability is a recipe for disaster. Birth control and condoms are readily available. If you are unmarried, and insist on fornicating with men who do not share your values, have no interest in raising children, and show no ambition or drive to improve their financial situation, please make good use of the birth control options available.
Janet Harrell
December 6, 2012 at 8:29 pm
I’m educated, professional – and a single mother. By choice. I asked for — and got — a divorce from a man who is a partner in one of the largest accounting firms in the world. When we talk about the archetypal ‘Black single mother’ as the unmarried, struggling sister whose baby daddy couldn’t or wouldn’t step up, we all too often reflect prevailing stereotypes. What about the legions of Black women who didn’t stay in unhappy marriages because they didn’t have to? Black women who left men who didn’t beat them, who went to work every day and who acknowledged paternity? Where are the demographics and percentages of Black women who simply decided their happiness was enough? I suggest to you that there is an increasing number of single mothers holding educational/professional ‘Get out of Jail” cards. Our mothers didn’t leave because they couldn’t. We leave because we can.
Jakada Zo
September 20, 2012 at 6:09 am
Speaking from experience:
Commitment to each others needs can sometimes lead both individuals astray. Commitment to the unit with love ever evolving to solidify the commitment is where its at. Love gets mixed up with commitment, bad mistake. Out of all this great talk on the subject we forgot to highlight “CONSCIOUSNESS”. Surely if I am conscious to the c**p that society throws at us on a daily, but my partner believes its a beautiful world because it appears as though we are artificially stable means one of us is not conscious. To be both conscious of where you are and who you are is the foundation for extremely strong commitments, which evolves into a powerful loving relationship. God willing and the creek don’t rise we will find our way back to some of our ancient ways of understanding and applying the power of consciousness, commitment, and love to our lives. Praying that the universe and the creator rise us from the current state of confusion.
Blessings to all who understand. With all thy getting, get understanding.
Peace
Jakada, Transient foreigner
John H Hill
September 20, 2012 at 1:02 am
All of the aforementioned are true. However, black women make themselves less desirable by having kids out of wedlock. It is very difficult to find a black women over 20 without one or more kids, unless she can’t have kids.
DeepEntity
September 19, 2012 at 11:05 pm
People have to understand that Black’s makeup 13% of the US population and there’s more Black women then there are Black men. while Whites make up 70% of the US pop. and white women out number white men. There’s a large group of Black males that are incarcerated, Drug addicted, and uneducated. which make’s the number of good Black men seem small. what’s happening is that Black males are made popular through sport’s and entertainment and White women and other race’s are picking up the Black star’s, the NO-good and the NORMAL everyday Black men. Which will leave it harder for Black females to find Good Black men.
DeepEntity
September 19, 2012 at 10:58 pm
Their out here, good men just want to marry good women…The problem is that many Black women are very selective of men. they judge too heavily on the way they look, dress, swagg, income,and etc. that only leads them to men who are already married, player’s, and the No-good men. The average guy that you least are interested in, might just be the great husband one was looking for
Stu
September 19, 2012 at 9:54 pm
Welfare, Bad mate choices, sassiness, and especially the “independant” phenomenon. These are the primary reasons for Black female singularity.
ST
September 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm
In the 1970s, 80% of Black households were headed by Black men. Black households that were struggling weren’t able to receive assistance if the man was in the household. Welfare was there to assist the mother who had no husband. A White woman, who’d lost her husband may have lost him due to death, departure, etc. The government assistance was there to help her and her children survive. That’s why the more children you had, the more assistance you’d receive. That was the purpose of Welfare. In many black families, Welfare paid more to the mother and children than the husband’s pay check. Some households actually receive more money from the government, when there was a single parent. This reportedly was the reason why some men left. Some black families actually became better off financially. This trend continued. As trends/routines go, people tend to do what their parents did. It may not be intentional, but you’ll often find that women who grow up in a fatherless home, tend to create fatherless homes as a parent. Now, It doesn’t matter whether they’re on Welfare or not. We tend to create the kind of family we grew up in. Women who had single mothers tend to be single mothers. It’s a cycle. We will not break it by complaining. We won’t change it until we learn HOW to break the cycle. This is a solution no professional in the social field seems to have mastered. So we constantly scratch our heads and wonder or cast blame. There’s also a similar trend with young men without fathers, but enough stated.
Les
September 19, 2012 at 4:21 pm
There are so many single black mothers because they lack standards and requirements in their relationship with these men. Black men are not stepping up to the plate because they don’t have to. Women are giving up the “goods” without making one single demand. I am 59-years old and vowed years ago to not have children outside of marriage. It was a choice that I made. So given that I never met the man that I wanted to spend my life with, to wake up to everyday, or who was not committed to me for his own reasons, I did not have children. Period. Women do not have to keep having kids with men that are not committed to them. Stop being desperate, develop some standards, and stick to them!
Derrick
September 19, 2012 at 3:20 pm
This is worth repeating:
Dr. Khallid Muhammad
THE BLACK WOMAN AND THE OPPRESSOR
“When a conqueror conquers a people and vanquishes the men, his next step is to take the women. An oppressor rules forever by taking the women. The white man wants to rule forever perpetually.
You can’t tell me the white man hasn’t taken the Black women. He has the Black woman. Only a few Black women stand up today to gain control of themselves and their lives and their minds and their destiny again; and to lock in with their Black man.
The overwhelming majority…the white man has them. He then puts his ideas and ideals into the head and the heart of the Black woman.
Sub-consciously she passes on to the Black life from her womb, the ideals, the philosophy, and the ideology of the white man, the oppressor.”
THE BLACK WOMAN ‘MUST’ STAY AWAY FROM THE OPRESSOR! HE CONTROLS HER MORE THAN THE BLACK MAN! HE EVEN HAS HER TRYING TO IMITATE, AND LOOK LIKE ‘HIS’ FE-MALE!!!