What's Happening In Your World

Dr. Boyce: Are Black Men Afraid of Successful Black Women?

 

 by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Your Black World


The always interesting and entirely lovable Demetria Lucas wrote a very nice article 
on TheRoot.com asking whether or not men avoid successful women.  I had to chime in on this one.  For the busy and successful women who are reading this, I will try to save your valuable time and cut to the chase.  Here are the reasons why some men might choose to avoid some successful women:

1)      If you are emotionally selfish: Busy people can sometimes have a habit of always believing that they are the most important person in the room.  The issues on their mind are always more meaningful than your own, and how they feel tends to matter a lot more than what you’re going through.  Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a person who will talk all day about her problems and then suddenly have to hang up when you start talking about your own? Well, that’s what it’s like to date the self-important professional who has never learned to reflect or take responsibility for their dating challenges.

2)      If you think that your job, shape and beauty automatically make you a great catch: Looking good goes a long way toward getting a man’s attention.  But that’s like saying that newspaper starts a big bonfire.  The paper might get the fire going, but it doesn’t KEEP the fire going (that can only be done by wood).  I don’t care if you look like Beyonce, the fact of the matter is that it is your inner beauty that keeps a man coming back.  Men who have lots of options see pretty girls every day. What is rare is a woman who works to be a consistently beautiful, giving and attentive human-being.  Unfortunately, inner beauty is not promoted among black women, the same way that men are taught to live empty lives in search of material possessions as false validations of their self-worth.

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88 comments

  1. I am biracial and the best I can say is that I have seen more often in black and biracial women an attitude…it is not the success itself it’s what the woman does about it. Lots of black and biracial women are far more beautiful than other women but it’s like they “know” it, and since there are a lot of single black women, when they are married I have seen an attitude trend for that too, like I got myself a man so I am better than you, there must be something wrong with you. At the same time there are tons of black women out there with the easiest going of personalities. I have to say I have personally seen some of the funkiest attitudes on biracial women. They have typically been women who appear drop dead gorgeous on the surface but when you meet them, gorgeous does not come to mind.

  2. IMHO there is nothin wrong with successful black women being more picky about their mates. All women have a lot to lose if they are not picky when choosing a mate. This is because women have to invest much more time, energy, and resources in raising children then males do on average. Choosy females select only certain men as mates and are more likely to successfully raise offspring then females who are not so choosy. A womans investment to each child is mandatory because she has to incubate the baby inside her for 9 months. While a males investment is not mandatory and could end after a one night stand. Status and money indicate the males ability to provide items such as food, shelter, clothing etc. Your socioeconomic status is correlated with key aspects of your lifestyle such as: How big your house is, what type of neighborhood you live, what kind of car you drive, how much access you have to health-care, your level of education etc. Males on average desire more sexual partners then females. What this means is that females resist far more sexual advances from men then vice versa. Not all males are equally succesful because not all males are equally desireable to females. Some women choose to be the mistress of a high status married man, rather then being the wife of a lower status man. It appears as though some women would rather have part of a successful man then all of an unsuccessful man.

  3. I am a successful Black man so a successful Black woman poses no threat to me so my opinion may be bias. But what I’ve observed about this type of Black woman are several things. First the more degree’s they obtain increases their arrogance significantly. They become very opinionated to a fault as if they know everything and in many cases they lack common sense. In essence they are educated fools. As their pay check grows they literally become delusional. If they are manless which in many cases they are the delusion is accompanied by anger at the Black man. This state of being is inreinforced by a night out with the girls which serves as nothing more then an outting to bash Black men and pat each other on the back. They sit around and talk about how they don’t need no man and if the Black man isn’t on their level he can kiss their ass cause they’re not lowering their standards. You here this all the time if you listen to these woman and read in between the lines. With all their success and foreign cars they’re miserable. If one of them should happen to find a man they like the others become jealous and do their best to sabotage the relationship. In general this woman makes the least desirable partner especially so if she makes more money then her man. She will never waste an opportunity to throw this in his face. She is usually over bearing dominant and feels she should make all the decisions because she makes the most money. This will certainly lead to disaster in almost all cases because no man will put of with this unless he’s a very week man. They general feel they’re to good to cook their man a meal “or they can’t cook” and don’t want to clean the house. I have a friend who has this type of woman and to be frank she is down right sickening. The only thing she cares or talks about is her money. Not that money isn’t important because it is but there is more to a relationship. And no I don’t need a woman to cook and clean for me I probably do those things better than most successful Black women anyway. I’m sure this doesn’t pertain to all successful Black women but a majority of them that’s why they’re alone.

    • Why dont you ask your friends ehy did they choose eomen like that? The first thing thye will say is she changed, but I bet not. Women do the smae thing by saying yes to a bad person. That kind of woman comes in other colors even more so, just like the men who choose them to be their wife. Leadership! It exposes the man of the house more than that woman he chose!

    • “Truthspks” , After reading your comment i cant seem to add to it, you are absolutely on point. That’s what i have been trying to come across to these women on this blog, but instead of listening as usual, they remain defensive and self righteous. No matter how rich a man gets or is , especially a black man. He always sees himself as INCOMPLETE WITHOUT A WOMEN. But give a sister a few bucks or a few degrees and she BECOMES BLINDED BY THE SAME NOTION OF GREGARIOUS COMPLETION INVOLVING A MAN. LET ALONE A MAN OF LESSER MEANS. Do i need to mention my Beloved sister Oprah, rich and still shacking up lol. So is the case with countless other successful , rich and degree holding sisters. I wonder how these women would feel if brothers with means start placing ads “WOMBS for RENT’ !. Just a thought. Anything that places itself out of reach in the general market becomes an MANTLE PIECE that’s no longer acquirable and outside the required norm. Sisters are pricing themselves out of the market in record numbers while blaming us brothers led my the [white MEDIA] and just refuse to look at themselves.

  4. I concur

  5. Max, In response to my comment, you stated that too many sisters blame the brother…… You’re so busy putting forth your opinions. Do you really read them? In most of the opinions you write, you’re blaming the sisters for something. You’re finding something wrong with them, yet accussing them of having the same attitude towards brothers. I agree with Poetee. We really do need to stop complaining about each other and do something to make a difference. We’ve been complaining for years. All these complaints are indicative of a lack of any real insight to solutions.

  6. Men tend to emphasize physical attractiveness when they choose partners, while women tend to emphasize social status and earning power when they choose partners. Most men seem to be indifferent to the woman’s status and earning power. What this means is that women with higher levels of education must compete with women from all socioeconomic levels for the relatively small pool of higher status men. Females appreciate attractiveness in males to be sure, but that alone is not usually sufficient to arouse them sexually. Women value more what the male does for a living, the males character and how the male treats her, the males willingness to invest time and resources in her. When it comes to sex there is a male human nature and a female human nature. Women do not usually objectify the male body the way men do the female body. And males don’t value status and resources of females anywhere near as much as females value status and resources of males. Its almost as if males see females as sexual objects, and females see males as status objects.

    • Period! We think and behave differently!

      • I don’t think there is that much difference , just the perception
        Of being different. Gold diggers come in all colors sexes ethnicities
        Backgrounds and income brackets.

    • So what you are saying is that most women are materialistic and self centered on possesions status and egocentric when looking for a partner whereas men tend to go after the woman they find attractive physically and emotionally not concerned so much of her posessions or attainments rather herself.

      • What i’m saying is that most women prefer not to marry “down” in terms of socioeconomic status (SES), and are frustrated by the willingness of men to disregard SES when they choose a mate. Men, generally, are more quickly swayed by physical appearance when choosing a partner then are women. Who tend to rely on a wider range of signals including status and personality for the initial spark of attraction. The qualities women seek, particularly in a long term mate, usually take a longer period of time to evaluate. While the qualities that men find attractive in women can be evaluated more quickly, and from a distance. Also when you look at men of high status, wealth, and public visibility ( tv and movie stars, athletes, successful businessmen etc ), These males tend to acquire many more sexual partners then the average male. This suggests to me that women find status attractive, at least on some level.

  7. Daughter, their’s alot of ignorance you’re revealing about yourself in your statement to ask such a question. What are you truly seeking, status as a modern thinker, a pat on the back or a High Five from your SISTER FRIENDS over Cocktails. Perhaps you should have spoke to your FATHER many years ago, before raising this as a public question. This is not an indicement on all BLACK WOMEN, but if you think BLACK MEN owe SISTERS a answer to this question, get your priority right.
    The worst thing that could have happen between Black men and Black women was Affirmative Action, it did not benefit the Black family. Affirmative Action was a PILLOW CONTRACT between White Women and White Men to exploit the Economic Employment System. As a Southern gentleman from the South, White Women was NEVER a MINORITY. STRONG SISTERS, you fell for this TRICK, by accepting the offer of being TWO PEOPLE in the JOB MARKET thus providing White Scum Bags a COVER to exploit AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. By SISTERS claiming to be TWO people in the JOBS MARKET, you threw your BROTHER, your SON, your DAD and your HUSBAND (Black men) under the BUS, where is the EQUALITY??? This question you ask is so light, self-centered and typical of many SISTERS whom have stepped on the backs of the forementioned to ask such a degrading question. Look your son in his eyes and ask yourself that same question. Would you want your son to be dogged by the LAWS of BIGOTS inwhich you prolaim as Black Woman Supreme, that you would question BLACK MEN of being afraid of you. SISTERS you have been EMPOWERED by WHITE MEN, because they are making money from your ignorance of empowerment to control the BLACK COMMUNITY ECONOMIC MULTIPLIER…… NO MAN, if he’s a MAN is not AFRAID of NO WOMEN, his first LOVE was a WOMEN, MOMMA.

  8. What is the matter with us? How come you don’t hear white men and women complaining about each other? We keep stoking the fires of self-hatred that were created by our enslavement and denigration. We were taught to despise each other. Our men were humiliated in front of their women and vice versa. It’s no wonder we find it difficult to accept each other as worthwhile. We need to stop and examine what motivates us every time we start to generalize about “black men” or “black women”. Come on people…let’s all just keep supporting each other in moving on up!

    • “Vancia” , “How come you don’t hear white men and women complaining about each other? We keep stoking the fires of self-hatred that were created by our enslavement and denigration”, WHY , you ask ? Its because too many of our sisters haven’t caught on to the systematic targeting that’s been taking place as MOST OF OUR BROTHERS HAVE ALREADY CAUGHT ON TO and a few, very few sisters like yourselves have. The sisters have outnumber us 6 to 1 and still most haven’t caught on and most is not humble enough to listen to us and what we have been noticing for a long time, despite the sisters educational advancement ahead of us which is “systematic & deliberate” only to bring us to this juncture of indifference between both sexes. Which is evident in our vigorous discussion.

  9. Maybe we need to stop the generalizations. You think? If you want Black women and men to find each other ( and I’m not sure you do), you need to start with a more intelligent premise that simply stating “Black men…”.Individuals are different, and I agree that it depends on the man. I also believe that there is no magic bullet in being with Whites. You have crazy insecure people in all races and from all walks of life. I’ve seen black men with all types of women of all types of character. And I’ve known a lot of these not to work out. Sorry, but I don’t buy the “you’re too independent, or too strong” argument. First we were too strong, now we’re too independent. What next? I think we lack any real answers that’s why we keep hearing the same thing over and over.

    • “ST” Too many sisters blame brothers for their poor choices even to the point where they would rather be right even when they are not correct. For the past 20 years the media has enables women to vent at men with the proverbial “shoulder to cry on” with no accountability to them [women] for their complicity to their choices or behavior which has destroyed whatever trust we ever had in them. They have chosen to be “BLAMELESS” in every respect because that’s what the talk show media have encouraged and taught them to believe and now they are paying for it. Black Women now lack “Reason and Accountability”. At this stage in the game men don’t owe black women anything, this is their doing , they need to fix it. Men have never give a platform to speak or express themselves and we have been wronged by countless of women but only women have been given the platform to express their betrayals and pain which don’t make them right. They have been enables on so may levels to get away with their actions with little or no accountability or balance to the conversation and as a result of it we now have a fragmented family on life support with both men and women missing from the discussion table because of the bitterness that came from it. The media is owned by the Jews and they played a complicit role in our current destruction and division but we also had the choice to think than to follow our emotions, but then again its women we are talking about , emotional beings. Gone were the days i would put my life on the life for a female , but now i see women as what we say in the Caribbean women are “Man-too” , they wanna be like men hence the coined phrase in Jamaica “Mantoo”. I still care about black women but its becoming more and more harder to.

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      • Hi Max, we as a people need to stop complaining about each other and do something to make a difference. For example we have people who place reverend in front of their names, as they claim to have a love for all black people and they are anything but reverent as they can’t seem to love those closest to them namely wife, family, those women working for them, future kids they introduce to the problem we already have (kids born out of wedlock that will not have the father in the home, dedicated black women being cheated on, young black women being used) I suppose Operation push should at some time be called operation pull out or operation don’t put in. Let’s individually make choices that can make a difference one person at a time, but starting with ourselves and then reaching out one by one to a young person to tell them and show the right way to go.
        Women who have sense need to use it and stick to things that are right. I had one child with my husband because that is all that he should have been able to produce. A few other women say differently and now they have a bigger mess than I did. Yes, women need to take responsibility, but first that has to come from someone who is mentally prepared to be responsible. I see so much work that needs to be done because the things that come out of some of our young ladies mouths and the thought process leaves my brains screaming for air sometimes, but I recognize everyone did not get the upbringing I did or come up in the 60s and 70s like me. You can even raise your child right, but if you do not protect their thinking someone else’s mess can destroy what you have done. Peace

        • Its funny u call it complainin when i call it calling out these hypocritical females like yourself. You talk in double speaks, you didn’t even want to acknowledge anything that i have said except to side skirt the most common behavior that so many sisters have taken on in stead you jump right back on the band wagon of blaming men again with “(kids born out of wedlock that will not have the father in the home, dedicated black women being cheated on, young black women being used)”, where are the women’s culpability in all this , your statement show nor expresses NONE. Clearly all the women with sense AINT USING IT nor are they STICKING TO THINGS THAT’S RIGHT. What a self righteous statement to make>>> “I had one child with my husband because that is all that he should have been able to produce. A few other women say differently and now they have a bigger mess than I did”, that’s is all he should have been able to produce and for those that had the audacity to produce more they are condemned because you only have 1 child to be concerned about and they have more. How about you having the foresight to NOT HAVE ANY AT ALL,Smh ! I myself came up in the 80″s but for the state of most women’s mindset and lack of consciousness far outweighs that of the consciousness of most men , ESPECIALLY , when the system targets MEN 6 TO 1 over women. Who now are reaping the benefits of higher graduation and better gainful employment PRIMARILY BECAUSE OF THAT. Over 1 million BLACK MEN has been placed in the penal system to women’s 75,000 , a drop in the bucket.

          • Max, I apologize for your feeling offending by my earlier statement so let me clarify a few things: married my ex when I was 19. I had lost my mom 3 weeks before graduating high school. I was born the youngest of 16 children to older uneducated parents. Had every intention of having a long marriage so even when I saw my ex was not the ideal dad, I still had intentions of being by the side of the frst man who I had ever even kissed. I just did not think it was fair to keep having babies when I saw he had changed. Perhaps it was him being young and having women throw themselves at him ( I don’t know) what I did know is that being maried and having unprotected sex with other people was wrong and dangerous and I could not tolerate that. I hung on as long as I could until it became too toxic for me and my daughter ( 11 years). I recognized that he did not have a supportive environment growing up and I often said to him to be thankful that he made it to where he is because he cannot make his mother a doting mother because that is nit in her makeup. I always wanted three children, but I knew it wold nit be right to bring kids up in dysfunction. Sometimes one forfeits what one cold have when wrong choices are done
            ( neither of these women I am mentioning were involved with him when I was married to him)The women who have children with him, one white one black are nice women, but youth again sometimes prevails over sound judgement. The white woman was trying to stay with him and support him, when he had gotten the younger black one pregnant also. The children they have are ten years younger than my daughter, and the younger black woman maried him and had two more children with him. After years he sent for his mom to live with he and his wife and a few years more he allegedly attacked his mother and it resulted in a prison sentence, and him being away from his young wife and their three kids for six years.
            When I say he is aweful I mean it as a human being he is, not because he happens o be Black and the other women will concur. My daughter is in her late 20s and I encourage her that she still has to honor him as her father. I am not being sanctimonious, but if you were to ask him, he would testify that I have a great character.
            I do not hold grudges and I am thankful for rising above the odds. I paid my way through school, earned my masters degree, worked full time, encouraged others to get their degrees, I have my buisiness, home owner, no bills except basics and my belief system is God as the head, the husband and then wife. God, family, business. Since you are in business, I am sure you have more than likely read the book ” What You Think of Me is None of My Buisness” . The few bad apples and or arrogant condensending people, I have ran across in these years will never be louder than the voice of the positive brothers or the beat of desire in my heart for my people! Again Max, forgive me for offending you?

            • “Poetee”, Had every intention of having a long marriage so even when I saw my ex was not the ideal dad……..Thats your first mistake and not the mistake of your husband even though it can be argued that you were both responsible for the pooor decison , but as in most my argument, most women go along to get along instead of bucking the system or becoing a threat to it for the greater sacrificial good, hence you dont or is not seing as a threat to force change on a greater scale. The few that do are generally men. Not discounting Tubman and Rosa Parks, a drop in the bucket. Nopne of which has to do with the time or era cuz Tubman and Parks were in the era of much greater danger and threat to the women and times of today.

              “I just did not think it was fair to keep having babies when I saw he had changed” , He had changed becuase naturally his heart wasnt into it , as most men base what they do largely on a genuine cause dear to their heart based on a real truth ie Love or a cause he is willing to die for. the essence of a man.

              As much as my dad had other women , he never dreamnt of leaving my mother ever and they remained maried for 40 years until he died. Despite his shortcomings, she was his one true love. Our strong procreative urge to have as many kids as your family did [5 boys with my mon and 9 outside] , is deeply rooted in slavery and the breeding process and the increase chances to stay aliive and the increased chances of one making it to pull the rest up from poverty. 1 man 1 woman is deeply rooted in wester culture. Thats why in the black & African community thousands of years ago till today , we still say “it takes a village to raise a child” , becuase it was the village of women that raise the childredn. Where as in Youropean soceity , they say it take s a man and a woman to raise a child, a much weaker concept and method. When you are raised by a village you yourself inturn becomes the village and what ever you do individually is for the benefit of that village and not just “Me, myself and I “.

              Untill i saw my fathers pain and loss of self , not knowing who he was becuase he himself gorwing up didnt have the nurturring love like he should which again stemmed from slavery becuase his father was extremely brutal to him which played out in the family and so did the transfer of anger which is noticerable amongst even my brothers today. Before my dad died 21 days after last seing him at the age of 61, he told me nobody believed in him like i did and nobody thought he could be something , though i kept telling him i did. He stayed in the army for 27 years and raised us since he was a teenage boy who ran away from being whipped and beaten, but kept his pain inside, but that pain still remains in all of us untill we are able to come to terms to deal with it as men now. But so is the case for many, many , many fathers and black men from the days of cane fields, cornfields and butcher shops , till today with our black brothers, fathers and men in prisons. Men are alwasy left to stand on their own while women get the support which they so often turn to blame towards the man a cycle most women are in denial to this day hence the grwoing indiference towards each other. Beucase the fact of the matter is when the pain and anger of men are ignored , there is only one place its going to go and its in the direction of the woman who he is close to just like when most victims never face their bullies but take their anger out on someone who had nothing to do with the abuse. But as i have seen and grow older and i understand that it is by design for those ills and imbalance to be left untreated except for 1 side and 1 side only and thats the women side for the ultimate pitting of one against the next for the means to a destructive end. Havent you noticed that in white society they treat BOTH THE MAN AND THE WOMAN , But in our community , the white society only seeks to treat and the woman? But most women dont see that and its up to us to show her whats going on but its becaoming more and more difficult to do so when she is favoured and in her mind not seing the danger of it, becomes estranged from her man just in the same way light skinned slaves over time began feeling special and above those of darker skin [the field negro]. I havent read that book but i am ordering it now on my amazon account , i have a few books for you for now though “The Slave Community: Plantation Life in the Antebellum South by John W. Blassingame” , “The United-Independent Compensatory code/system/concept by Neely Fuller Jr.” , “The Philosophy and Opinions of Marcus Garvey, Or, Africa for the Africans by Marcus Garvey” , “The Destruction of Black Civlization by Chancellor Williams” , “Open Veins of LAtin America by Eduardo Galeano” , “The NEw Jim Crow by Michelle Aleaxander” and “Brainwashed by Tom Burrell”. When you read them , have your daughter do the same and she will as you will have a greater appreciaction of the Pedagody of both your situation. I am not offended in the least bit , but thanks for your kind words. If i can reach ONE sister or ONE brother, especially sisters, becuase they are our last line of defense now [we were the first] . Then i have done what i am here to do.

              PS: Check out the video links above in my responses as well . They have a lot of good information.

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              • Max, for some reason you are not getting it. Facts are facts. You missed that I said I was young and at fault also. Had I immediately jumped out of the marriage, you would say there goes another sister not giving a brother a chance. So, thank God you do not represent other brothers who actually care about us and our community.
                Some people have personality disorders and although they feel the are successful, no one black, white or other will be able to get along with them because they are always right ( in their mind that is)
                Be blessed! Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different response! So I am cutting the communication with you right now- peace.

                • “Poetee” I guess you didn’t take the bad with the good. IF i offended you i apologize but my response wasn’t a complete condemnation of you or what you previously did but to show how what so many of us go through is more common and pervasive as or own experience and not unique to just us , given what we have been facing and still is facing. This is a sharing experience for not just you or me but for other out there. Much love Sister.

  10. As I stated before, I love women. Their race doesn’t bother me at all as long as we’re compatible. It’s simple for me I just want a lady that wants me for me and not for who she wants me to be .

  11. I have dealt successful women who were both humble as well as egotistical that made more money than I. I love women, I don’t pursue successful woman but I have had my share. In most cases their income is more than mine which doesn’t make a difference to me,but don’t say no or not let her have her way, have a backbone, let alone end up in an argument and the first thing said is something thing that has nothing to do with anything “I don’t need you” or “I don’t have to listen to you I have a degree or I make more than you”, “you aint got nothin”. It’s comical to me because here is this so-called successful woman who has everything (tangible)and blinded by the “stuff” that she has to resort to such ways to attempt to make a guy feel bad with words because she is messed up internally. With “some” successful women, success is their perfection and guys like myself are not to challenge them. Regardless of her profession or success,some men (like myself) just want a good well rounded woman with or without what society deems as success.

  12. I think ignorant men of any race feel threatened by successful women of any race.

    • Last time i check we were discussing just us and not the rest of the planet. We are the ones in crisis , no one else.

  13. Tyler- that’s precisely the point- depends on the man. No woman should ‘lower her standards’ when it comes to dating and ESP marriage. So, subtract the ballers, thugs, imprisoned, gay, DL, exclusively dating non-black women (identity crisis), that pretty much leaves…NO ONE BLACK.

    I have NEVER been approached by a ‘decent’ black man whose intentions were honorable, but I’ve been approached by plenty white men who wanted to date.
    As for the ‘black men’ you see at Wal-mart carrying his bi-racial child walking hand in hand with his white wife, that certainly doesn’t count. All the more power to you ‘brother’- YOU DO YOU. And I’m gonna DO ME. I have NO loyalties to black men cause they CERTAINLY have none towards me.

    AND YES- black men are insecure about black women who are successful. They would rather lower their standards and date white than see black women as equals. That is the problem- black men do not respect black women enough to LOVE us. So, I go to where I am gonna be LOVED and RESPECTED.

    • “Kg” , sorry for your pain but i suggest you read one of the books i suggest for black men and women to read and lift their psyche out of the bucket of brainwash. If you think a white dude is gonna love and respect you the way we can , we have and know how. Then hey its your right knock yourself out.
      “The Destruction of Black Civilization” by Chancellor Williams , “Brainwashed” by Tom Burrell ,”YURUGU” by Mirambi Ani ,”The United Independent Compensatory Code System Concept a textbook/workbook for Thought, Speech and/or Action” by Neely Fuller, “The New Jim Crow” by Michelle Alexander , “The Historical Origin of
      Christianity” by Walter Williams and “They Came Before Columbus” by Ivan Van Sertima ,
      just to name a few. Much Love Nubian.
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    • KG. You’re right. You dont owe anyone anything, but don’t label this a black male black female problem. It’s a problem of lack of education with a disregard for improving ones self. I doubt black men chose white women as mates because of the disdain they have for black women , rather a lack of ethnic bonding which racism in America has targeted the black family structure. Blacks don’t communicate as a whole as other ethnic groups. We tend to isolate ourselves and isolate others. Educated blacks face the same and do the same things as lower socioeconomic blacks. For example if they are doing well, they tend to distance themselves from others, even others that are doing as well or better than themselves. Secondly there is no respect or praise when others make academic accomplishments. Most success is centered on the mindset of sports and entertainment. Many black women speak of not being able to find good black male prospects, yet give little or no support when approached by black men with these attributes.

      • “Bobby G”…..”Many black women speak of not being able to find good black male prospects, yet give little or no support when approached by black men with these attributes” ………YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT

    • What exactly is your description of decent? Black vs white. And I’m a little confused about black men not wanting to date. ?????

  14. I have read all of the comments on this page and many of them are very good and some even correct.The writers of these articles would make a great small community and I would love to live around them. The language of the people here is the key to success or failure of the Black American. What exactly did you hear and is it the point that the spokes person was trying to convey to you. In this high speed fast moving society this detail is so often overlooked and you hear the phrase very often”Thats not what I meant at all” and often times its to late and sometimes its not.Education creats strength and gives power to action be it in a Man or Woman. Intelligence should recognize intelligence and create a atmosphere of mutual respect. I am a simple guy and this makes sense to me. Who ever started this notion that a Real Man is intimidated by a strong woman should have stated that some of all men are faced by this issue. SOME!! Strong women in America are a threat to some men because they don’t take shit off anyone.Your son raised by Tv and hollywood is not a choice for a good father or husband. Look at the real picture that they now call reality TV. Beauty and big money but NO CLASS.

  15. 1st I am a proud Black Man. I applaud the successful black woman, but have attained a small measure of success myself. It is very real that some successful black women are hard to deal with, and sometimes insulting as it is offfensive to be drilled when you meet someone, you got a job? Where? Been to jail? Education level? What part of the city you from; end state how niggerish are you and is it going to be embarassing to be around you. DEGRADING!!!! Many proud men step. It is more insulting from our own and it instinctively puts you on guard if you were hoping to have a emotionally pleasing experience. Lastly it is very important for black men to become successful and assisst each others careers. Truth is we are worth no more than we are worth, and for the most part will not be able to enjoy strong relationships with our women if they think we depend on them. The stereotypes are too strongly buried in all societies.

  16. Successful black men will not have as difficult a time finding successful black women. Black men who have been so downtrodden and discriminated against (among so many other negatives), will rarely have a chance to compete with successful black men or white men for successful black women. Although having extraordinary good looks will help any man feel good with a successful black woman.
    The only fear a black man should have with a successful black woman is in relation to her mental stability and the methods she used to achieve success.

  17. The problem is not so much about being afraid, but more about revealing their faults and shortcomings. Many men of color either did not finish high school or made mistakes during or after high school that prevented them from seeing college all the way through or placing themselves in a position in life to have more than limited success. Many women did the opposite. They completed high school and went on to college and stayed until they earned graduate degrees and started fulfilling careers. When they meet at an event and look at where they are and how they got there, many men have not progressed in education, profession etc.. When they start sharing were they are currently, the faults, shortcomings and what ifs surface. They then discover one is traveling the road to success and fulfillment and the other is not. I haven’t brought up the babies, ex’s, criminal records and other situations (I didn’t want to say baggage.)

  18. Fear is not the issue when it comes to the relationship. In fact black men fear very little in this regard. The reality of this situation is when money becomes an indicator of success many successful women wear it as a shield until they realize that money can’t talk back to you or satisfy human needs and by he time they realize it they have placed themselves in a position that puts them in direct conflict with the leadership role of the man. For years women have placed a dollar sign on the relationship and this indicator has been the only overt marker. When a man doesn’t have that they feel like there is not much for her and oftentimes she validates his claim by some of the statements they make. By any stretch of the imagination we have to go back to simple times and understand that truth can be used as a weapon and the Bible says that a foolish woman tears her own house down with her bare hands. If you love people you learn diplomacy and keep somethings to yourself. if you would do it for your homegirl, do it for your man as well.

  19. I totally agree with Mike J. Enough said. I have seen some the worst marriages between those who have higher incomes. Most people with degrees are so full of themselves will not allow a person without a degree close to them unless they want to sneak and cheat with them. If you are not humble, godly, and everything Mike said, your life is in VAIN!

  20. Success is not the issue, it’s all about attitude and “game”.

    As an educated professional black male, I meet sistah’s every day who have nothing and STILL think they are better than a black man just because of where they go to church, or some other nonsense they dream up.

    I don’t care what a woman has or does not have. If she puts up a wall and wants me to spend six months trying to get her phone number or pretends she is too busy, I will immediately leave her where she is.

    Of course, that is why successful women get into so much trouble. They “game” the together brother and then when they meet the playa’ they are lonely and vulnerable and become easy prey.

  21. I embrace our sisters, because success to them is nothing new. Lets just look back in our African past where our sisters ruled Nubia, Kemet / Egypt, Ethiopia & many other Empires of color throughout the world including right here in North America. We have always been apart of matriarchal societies all the way up until the euro – peons males gained Patriarchal dominance through force, & took our women out of their rightful place, and declared war on our sisters, each other, and our advance nations. Religion, Colonization & Integration has really messed us up as a people, and for us to even question the success of our sisters show that we don’t know who we are as a people. And only a weak brother would agree that they are afraid of our Mothers, Teachers, Lovers, Leaders, Sisters, & Warriors. I respect all of my sisters even though some of them don’t know who they really are.

  22. Good afternoon family I’m driving so I wasn’t able to read the comments entirely however a lot of this to ME is cultural based on how we as men and women were raised. Because there are not enough men raising their boys they grow up with the impression a woman is suppose to take care of them and sistah’s are pushed harder to get an education because it’s even harder for some Black women to succeed with it. So to me there are not enough examples for Black men to lead and vice versa not enough emphasis on sistah’s to submit. As a woman matures and has her own in SOME cases that woman is not trying to give up any ground.

    • Hi Ray,
      People are not being matched with people they have more things in common Too many fantasies going around. Couples need to consider each other as partners in life: if one is good at one thing and another is good at a different thing then that’s even a better partnership.
      Get yourself together first at npbeing the best you can be in what you do as long as it is ethically and legally moral.

  23. This is a dumb ass question!! What is this? The ’80s??

  24. White America told black men to fear successful black women and they do what they believe is correct in white American society.

    Successful black women are called bossy an agressive, but white women with the same traits are called go-getters and assertive.

    If a black woman wants a home, she is called materialistic, but, white women are called prudent.

    Think about it!

  25. I grew up in a Black Latino household surrounded by an extended family comprised of many strong professional women ranging from physicians to economists. I have known nothing but successful women and have dated successful Black women. For those of us who are hard working, compassionate, and overall “nice” guys is comes down to character. Somewhere down the line success and material wealth became more important than being a good person. There are some successful people who are morally bankrupt and self absorbed. Some men have no problem with this. I am the opposite. I look for qualities that are not viewed as being a part of the success “skill set.” Compassion, honestly, empathy. The list goes on. Some men like myself are just not interested in compromising anymore. Good looks only go so far. Something goes for success.

  26. I say that unfortunately the answer is YES! Black men do appear to have issues with successful Black women. I look at all the Black athletes that would rather marry someone outside of their race with NOTHING to offer then give a Black woman a chance.

    • Although the media doesn’t show it, over three quarters of Black male athletes are married to Black women. Black men (over 9 out of 10) are the least likely as a whole to marry outside of their race among all minority groups in America. If anyone should be complaining, it should be Asian Pacific American males. Over half of their women marry outside of their race.

    • Many have, look at what happened to Shaqueal O’Neal
      His wife invaded his business space. Blabbing to networks about business decisions. Michael Jordan etc. Athletes are surrounded by hordes of young women. All ethnicities Perhaps more receptive to them are the majority?

      • Shaunie was married to Shaq’s former business associate, Daven Baptiste, and carrying Shaq’s first child while still married.

        Cats tried to warn Jordan about Juanita being a super groupie. Even, Reggie Theus used to slam dunk it.

  27. Here we go with the generalizations associated with our blackness. Being around the same type of people period with the same type of attitudes yields the same type of results.
    Define what is meant by success first and proceed from there because health, spiritually connected with God, love, virtue, patience, kindness, inner andouter beauty may be priorities associated with success as opposed to income and being able to buy what the heart desires.
    Men usually like beautiful women period. Nature versus nurture. When was the last time you saw a nerdy ” successful” women and went gosh I bet she is beautiful on the inside? Exactly!
    If a woman hangs around mess, she will get messy results. If a man hangs around mess. He will get messy results.
    Examples: a man trying to turn a Kardashian into a women of virtue is nt going to happen. A women thinking she can change a thug into a committed man because…. It ain’t gonna happen.
    Redefine what success is without attaching it to an income, hieght, weight, light skin, dark skin, kinky, curly, straight, long or short hair and then maybe, just maybe we can start getting to the bottom of the thing and exercising in the fruit of the spirit towards loving each other til the end of time. Peace!

    • Thank you Poetee!!! very well put!!

      • Thanks Ralph. I have seen so many unstable men and women so stuck on themselves that no one should be with them. I get sick of being asked why am I so happy coming in to work. May e the answer should be because you were not at my home this morning lol. Seriously, sometimes the answer to somethings are in the mirror, but if anyone is waitiing for someone else to make them happy, then doesnt the person they are waiting for deserve the same thing? Lol
        http://Www.Arenestheme.com is a great website, check out my poems and shoot me an email of what ya think

        • “Poetee” , nice site , nice poem. Too religious for my taste but nice site.

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          • Thanks Max for your honesty, I appreciate you

            • I appreciate your honesty too , i have been away from the chat board for a week now, busy working on my business. I myself work for no one and hasn’t since 1989, and i intend to keep it that way. Hopefully will meek the right sister for me with intellect that i admire and more-so consciousness that i revere. I stop learning when i go to sleep [death is just a long sleep or a departure from the physical]. I love women , cant get enough of them but i don’t need a woman, but i always WANT ONE. As people of Africa we are not built to be apart from each other too many sisters have been mentally hijacked into the Youropean mindset of singularity away from the man but for most of them they don’t disown their men as our sisters are left with that mantle of deceptive thought to carry one, and i can only hope they recognize and catch on to it cuz so far they clearly have not.

  28. Well written. I think it’s safe to say that we as black men, aren’t afraid of successful black women. I get so sick of hearing this. The attitude that some of our sistas take on when they become successful is what we don’t like.

    Having a good job and college degrees are great, but what can you offer in terms of building a future together? Money and book smarts don’t maintain relationships.

  29. Many black men i know don’t really celebrate the black women’s success,but they will try to cash in on her finances!,sad but true.

    • Denice
      get real,don’t women look for the most eligible man who can provide for them a nice life ? So why would you find fault with a man who does the same. When one marries all things should be shared. Look at how wealthy some women become when they divorce a successful husband and they hardly if ever worked.Who was looking to cash in in those cases.Get a life

  30. Well written reply! Iv watched this issue gain momentum over the years & as a confident black man myself there’s nothing I love & respect more than a successful women especially a successful black women but I measure success from being rich in the qualities that put us in Gods image like Compassion, Humility, Loveing Kindness, Endurance, Patients, Self Control, Emphatical, Caring & Unhypocritical Spirituality to name a few things that to me makes a person successful! Most people women & men alike who base their success on their their bank account, cars, clothing, body measurements, family background, circle of friends ect are usually destitute & bankrupt in the areas mentioned above which diminishes their value & makes them as superficial & fake as their accessories “lace fronts, lashes ect” so the bottom line is true success when its based on what really makes one successful is appreciated by REAL black men maybe not so much by Niggas & if that success comes with a HUMBLE ATTITUDE which sad to say alot of our dear successful Sistas are void of it make you shine like the jewels & the Complement God created you to be!

  31. I think most Black Men welcome a successful Black Woman, it just depends on the black man, if a black man is sure of himself and does not feel threaten by someone else making it on their own, he will feel very comfortable being with a woman that know who she is and what she wants in life but when there’s jealousy or insecurity sure he will feel offended and try to find any small issue to make the woman feel less than a woman. So I say my respect too any strong black man that appreciate and respect a woman that is making her own way in life.

  32. In general, I don’t believe black men are afraid of successful black women. For example, I think almost any black man could overcome any fear he might have about dating Halle Berry, or Janet Jackson, or Gabrielle Union, or Garcelle Beauvais, or… I think you get my point.

  33. Well Dr. Boyce that was a correct response regarding people both Men and Women. But please hear my comment on the subject. First the mindset in which the person(s) were in to ask that type of question is questionable and on another note probing into the questions bring some serious concepts up that being said I truly believe that the success of the Black Woman is one to be applauded to a degree because it came by way of a huge sacrifice and that being the Black Man. With the Black Man out of the picture and I do mean out “Prison, Drugs, uneducated, murdered, streets” there were plenty of availability and being thankful that the Black Woman did not just role over they kept it moving because someone had to hold the village down and raise the young. now that brings us right back to the question at hand are Black Men afraid of successful Black Women? I would use the term afraid but I would say due to lack of resources and education I’ll classify it intimidation being the mindset. How do a educated mind deal with an uneducated one? what do the 2 have in common most times except the color of their skins.. The class or lifestyle is different to wealth and the education.. the stereotypical brother don’t stand a chance because he can’t bring anything that would be deemed substance to the table. I’m just saying Dr. how do we break the yoke and help the handicap? you tell me what you think.. Peace and Love!

    • AMEN HERMAN…We black women HAD TO BECOME STRONG BECAUSE WE HAD TOO. TO KEEP AS YOU SAID THE VILLAGE TOGETHER. As long as the successful black woman DOSEN’T look DOWN OR BE DOMINATING and try to lift up her black man ( which some you can’t help because of a mind set) the black man HAS NO REASON to be afraid or intimidated. Thank-you Herman you HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD THANKS FOR KEEPING IT REAL :)

    • Herman i hate to burst your bubble but the successful rise of the black woman to be so much more educated and successful than the black man is BY DESIGN. And so many Black men being in prison or unemployed compared to women is by design also. You are making an observation only by what you see and not whats happening or the reasons behind the outcome.

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      • That is ridiculous! The success of the black woman is not at the expense of what is happening to some of our black men. Black women are successful because we want to be, not because of our men. You seem to feel like there’s a competition going on between black men and black women, but that is not true. If we sat around and waited for our men to educate themselves, become successful and then come for us, we’d be waitting forever for some of you and then be called lazy or gold diggers. Truth is, some of our men (you for instance) equate success with a woman of another race. You are the one forgetting history. Here’s a little human anatomy for you. Can a body survive without it’s backbone? No. Can the black race survive without it’s backbone (black women)? Absolutley not.

  34. Black women are just a bit more insecure to manage their success and being with them being so territorial that is what scares men away. Its a matter of evolution or evolving throughout that success that you don’t feel threatened by the things he does or don’t do. I find that a certain ethnic group who traditionally are use to this newly acquired success by black women , are so much easier and less stressful to be with and it has nothing to do with being passive or a pushover. They are so use to success they have already grown in it. The sadder part of this whole thing about black women is that 98% o them dont know their history and who they are and i am not just talking about MLK or Malcom X or Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks or Oprah. Thanks for reading , share this with your friends or anyone who may be interested.

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    • You are generalizing Max. Do you happen to know 98% of black women? It’s comments like yours that set up stereotypes about ALL black women. If you’ve had experiences with SOME black women, then say it, don’t give me that 98% crap, because you haven’t experienced 98% of the black female population. Do YOU know about your history? If you did, then you wouldn’t make smug remarks about it. You seem to prefer a different race of women and you’re using misinformaton and your own insecurities to blame it on an entire race of women. Then you have the nerve to post a link to a business? Tip: You don’t have to hate black women to love your white women.

      • Meanchick, first off my business posting has nothing to do with my comment i guess i have to check in with your ‘Meanself” first huh ? An aka i wouldn’t be proud of. I am doing something with myslef what are you doing, i guess i had posted a robbery photo you would be appreciative of it as a sign of manhood , right ? Smh. Your name alone plays into the antisocial stereo type of black women. I know my history very well but you dont , am sorry to say. Polls and surveys are done by whats called “Sampling” , a swath of a cross section of people for analysis to portray a trend. For any human being to make any observational analysis of anything is to be first absolute by meeting every human being on the planet involved in that study before presenting the facts of that study ?? That’s the dumbest thing any one with said would say. If we were to go by your asserting then NOTHING would get done. You just sound like you are living in denial of whats happening and come off as one of those sisters who feces don’t stink, they know so much their pride impedes their honesty and better judgement = your lack of approachability. I love you my sister, have you ever ready any of these books ? Every person of color should read every one of them including you, if you haven’t.

        “The Destruction of Black Civilization” by Chancellor Williams ,

        “Brainwashed” by Tom Burrell ,

        “YURUGU” by Mirambi Ani ,

        “The United Independent Compensatory Code
        System Concept a textbook/workbook for Thought, Speech and/or Action” by Neely

        Fuller, “The New Jim Crow” by Michelle Alexander , “The Historical Origin of Christianity” by Walter Williams
        “They Came Before Columbus” by Ivan Van Sertima ,

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        • Max, you know who you are so no need to defend it and no matter what all men of every color should always take the high road period. After being nearly fifty years on this earth, I have learned that when ever a person goes outside the will of God, he or she can expect anything! It’s not an education, success issue- its a person issue. Y should be the same person in character no matter what the circumstance.
          Black women need to realize the medias portrayal of the high end sports guy with the lower class white women is not the majority.
          A lot of white women are getting dogged out by black men who no one should date, it just seems like we are at a higher rate because we historically as a mojority stay within our race. The black man and woman who believe a race of a person makes thema better mate are diisallusioned by some fanatical stereotype.

      • That’s right tell him girl!

    • Max sweetie, where might you be obtaining your facts or rather suggestion that “98% of Black Women don’t know their history?” When in fact comparably, black women are more educated and earn more money than black men. You would think there would be a history course somewhere in all that success. As an educated black women, who majored in history and holds a M.A. in Social Science – I’m just saying. And until you date all black women or in your words 98% of them, don’t categorize us. I find that black men who tend to criticize black women so harshly have not dealt with their own insecurities. Maybe they are intimidated or jealous of black women, these are the black men that have an issue with black women and their success. Perhaps some of the backlash comes from bad relationships in the past, I don’t know. Better yet, it seems to be this justification for marrying outside the race. I’m at the point in my life where I can tell a brotha – Do You! I’m not tripping, but damn grow some!!!

      • “Really?” , Yes Really?. I will try to keep this brief. Let me refer you to “Truthspks” response is just apropo. There is such a thing as an educated fool who lack whats common but indeed isn’t [common sense]. Its free but not everyone has it. You numbers are off “Sweetie”. Go ask George Gallup , if when a Gallup poll is taken is it of the entire country or a cross section of society indicative of the majority ? Nuff said . So for you to make such a such a ridiculous statement as an educated woman with an M.A. “And until you date all black women or in your words 98% of them, don’t categorize us”. You fail to grasp the point i was making that most black women just aren’t conscious and they in their great numbers DO NOT POSE A THREAT TO white supremacy or to white oppressive society even though they have the power to do so. Given their increasing educated numbers, and the fact that they are less targeted than we are because of their docile mentality [except when it comes to us, black men] towards the oppressive status quot. I am in no way INSECURE , but INSECURE ABOUT OUR FUTURE. Something you have yet to grasp the magnitude of our TITANOUS direction. My pasion does not come from any bad relationship , becuase there is no such thing as a bad relationship but an experience. because the path that that relationship brought you to is but of a learning experience, unlike most women who whine about it and luggs it into the next relationship instead of living past it. I can only suggest that instead of telling a brother to “Grow some” , you should start “appreciating some”.

  35. A Good Comment:)Not made at you:)

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