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Black Men

Nomalanga: What Black Men Want…and What Drives Them Away

By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses This past summer, my husband and I drove all the way from Boston, MA to Miami, FL. Being the fun couple that we are, we decided to do a fun exercise. I asked my husband to come up with his top three “turn offs” in women so I could write a fun blog post. Since we were on the road and making frequent stops, (we were driving with our three year old son and our and six year daughter) we turned it into a fun project . We asked random Black men what they felt were “turn offs” in their past or present relationships and we boiled it down to 25 main points. The purpose of the list is not to insult and offend Black women, but instead, it is supposed to be a fun way for any woman to take an inventory of herself with a desire to be honest about what she could do to become a better version of herself. To be honest, there were a couple of points on the list that had me giggling because I knew I was “guilty”. Ladies, feel free to leave a comment and let me know where your “guilt” lies and how you plan to grow and develop so that you are not as “guilty”, a year from now. Men, feel free to add your thoughts, but please, go easy on us Being “Unavailable”-Women who have a long list of things to do and somehow omit their man’s need for intimacy will eventually find themselves alone or feeling lonely. Being “ignorant” and bringing drama to every situation-You know the type; every time she is involved in a situation, she brews up some conflict or drama. Saying things like “I’ll fight a n!gg&r”. This type of woman will show up at her man’s job and stir up something and could even get him fired. Not being able to say “I’m sorry”. Nothing diffuses a potential fight like just humbling yourself and taking responsibility and accountability for your part in a disagreement. Having unrealistic and unreasonable expectations-like cheating and expecting your man to “forgive” and forget. Over-emphasizing their independence and saying things like “I’m a strong black woman,” usually as a disguise for irresponsible and selfish behavior. Imposing double standards like expecting to be treated like a lady and acting like a “chicken-head”. Saying things like “what’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine”. Another example is expecting her man to be a provider in the old fashioned sense but won’t be a nurturer and loving wife in the old fashioned sense, or working at McDonald’s and demanding a lawyer, doctor or some high paid profession as a potential partner. Having priorities in the wrong place and abandoning what is important to her man. Willing to go above and beyond for her “boss” at work but not for her man at home. Trying to control EVERYTHING. Examples are: Trying to control her man’s beliefs and force her man to go to church, or telling her man what to do, or trying to be your man’s Mom and tell him what to wear etc Being too flirtatious. It’s okay to be friendly but if your man has to wonder what would happen if he wasn’t in the room, then you may be taking it too far. Not accepting her man for who he is and trying to change him. Betraying her man’s confidence and privacy by talking about their relationship problems with another man (or women who love to bring men down). Expecting your man to read your mind. Just communicate what you want and trust your man to deliver. Being so insecure of yourself that you are constantly accusing your man of cheating or lying. Being too clingy. Give your man his space. You can have your own interests and passions without making them more important than him. Not being willing to try new things; being small and narrow minded. Having loose morals. This kind of woman has no boundaries and does not seem to have a level of self respect befitting a woman that a good man would want to commit to. Being right ALL the time and knowing EVERYTHING. Letting her friends run her relationship, especially the ones who have failed in their own relationships or can’t seem to keep a man. Being unsupportive and not able to affirm and encourage her man. Comparing herself with other women and comparing her man to other men and coveting other people’s lives. Trying to trick a man into making you pregnant. When he says he is not ready, he’s not ready. You can’t trick him and hope that he will change his mind along the way. Examples of this behavior are saying you’re on birth control when you know you aren’t or pricking condoms. Having a negative attitude. This woman is discontent about everything and everyone. She complains about everything and there is just no pleasing her. Women who take care of themselves until they get into a relationship and then start neglecting themselves and stop bothering with civility. These women look a mess and snap at their man anytime he speaks to them. Competing with your man at everything. While it’s okay to be competitive, accomplished and even ambitious, your man should feel like you’re on his side not against him. Pressuring a man to commit to you. If he wants to marry you he will and if you pressure him, it is more likely to push him away than it is to get him to commit. Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.com Read More »

Evelyn Reunites with Chad to Drop the Restraining Order

No one knows if these are the first signs that Evelyn Lozada will be the second prominent celebrity to walk back into an allegedly abusive relationship, but it’s certainly interesting.  TMZ is reporting that Chad Ochocinco (or Johnson, whatever his name is right now) met up with his ex-wife in court to get his restraining order dropped. The two popped up in Florida to make it happen, erasing the order put in place after Evelyn alleged that Chad head butted her during an argument just a few weeks after the two walked down the aisle together.  This led Evelyn to file for divorce from Chad, ending their month-long marriage.   They probably should have just saved their money and dated. Chad has been apologizing for what happened since the incident took place.  Evelyn is known for being the biggest bully in all of television, so some are wondering what her role might have been in the big fight.   Chad says that he’s getting help for his anger management problem, but for some reason, no one thinks Evelyn has a problem with anger herself. Evelyn told the judge that she is not afraid of Chad, which appears to be in contradiction to what she was saying just a month or so ago.  So, was this ever real from the beginning?  The world may never know.   Read More »

Naomi Campbell Sues London Newspaper For Saying She is an Animal Abuser

Naomi Campbell had a reputation for not being able to contain her anger and rage and it seemed that each time she was angry, somebody was likely to get a cell phone thrown in their face. Now the international super model appears to be taking a rather mature approach to how she handles those that have angered or offended her. Campbell is reported  to be suing a London newspaper, the Daily Telegraph. Campbell is suing the London paper for libel over a story that they did  in which they claimed she organized an elephant polo match in India. According to the Guardian, the 42 year old super model is suing them for inaccurately stating that when she hosted a party, in November, for her boyfriend, Vladislav Doronin, the controversial sport was played as entertainment. The Daily Telegraph has since removed the story, titled “Elephant polo at Campbell’s party criticised,” from its website, but that is not stopping Campbell from suing them. The lavish party that Campbell threw for her boyfriend was a very fancy affair with a string of A-list celebrities on the guest list. The guests even enjoyed live entertainment from Diana Ross. When rumors started to surface that there was elephant polo at the party, Campbell received some negative feedback from animal rights groups, voicing their displeasure and disappointment with her and her boyfriend. Campbell denied the rumors and a spokesperson made it very clear that there had not been any elephant polo at the party. As the rumors persisted, Campbell filed a lawsuit. Animal rights groups, including PETA have condemned elephant polo and have called it a “shameful vestige of the British Empire”.     Read More »

Jamie Foxx Speaks Unwelcome Reception To Django Unchained,It’s Always Racial

Hollywood is not colorblind, as most people would like to think in this new day. Jamie Foxx understands that all too well. In an interview with Vibe Magazine, the actor expressed his feelings on the reception to his new movie, Django Unchained . The Quentin Tarantino film has been criticized for not being sensitive to the subject of slavery. However Foxx feels differently, telling the magazine, “There’s certain things that we watch as black people that if we don’t agree with it, we not only turn off the movie but we turn off that person.”  “When we feel like the character was compromised by the white establishment.” Would African Americans feel differently if those involved, telling this story, were all African American?  Then you have to ask the question, are African American’s writing their stories, and if not, do we even have a reason to be sensitive, when we are not the one’s taking the initiative to write the stories? There are alot of elements involved when it comes to our creativity as African American. We also have to look at the fact that we can write a good story, but unless we can get the backing to put our stories out there, then they are dead in the water. Foxx also added, “Every two, three years there is a movie about the Holocaust because they want you to remember and they want you to be reminded of what it was.”  “When was the last time you seen a movie about slavery?” Although most of us would like to think that Hollywood has changed, race is involved in the natural makeup of our society. We cannot get away from it, and if we are going to tell the truth about our history as African-Americans, slavery is a part of that make-up. But it does not have to be viewed as a negative thorn in our sides. Director, Tarantino, has put a slight twist to the so called “slave story”, by introducing you to the other side. Foxx’s character is taking revenge on those who oppressed him. Think Nat Turner, Harriet Tubman and all of the revolutionaries of slavery. The actor goes on to say, “As black folks we’re always sensitive.” “As a black person it’s always racial. I come into this place to do a photo shoot and they got Ritz crackers and cheese — I’ll be like, ain’t this a b—-. Y’all didn’t know black people was coming. What’s with all this white s—? By the same token, if there is fried chicken and watermelon I’ll say ain’t this a b—-? “  “So, no matter what we do as black people it’s always gonna be that. Every single thing in my life is built around race. I don’t necessarily speak it because you can’t.”   Asa Lovechild is an accomplished actress and singer out of New York City. Follow @asalovechild www.facebook.com/asaentertainmentgroup www.asalovechildworld.com Read More »

Hillary Clinton Faints and Gets a Concussion

Is Hillary Clinton OK?  The Secretary of State became woozy this week, fainting and getting a concussion.  The word is that she was dehydrated before fainting.  This incident meant the cancellation of her testimony before the House Foreign Affairs Committee on the attack against the US Consulate in Benghazi. The Deputy Assistant Secretary of State, Philipe Reines, said that Clinton had been suffering from a virus for the past week.  She is at home recovering. “At their recommendation, she will continue to work from home next week, staying in regular contact with Department and other officials. She is looking forward to being back in the office soon,” Reines said. Secretary Clinton had been scheduled to testify on Capitol Hill Thursday about the deadly attack in Benghazi, Libya, in September that killed four Americans, including the U.S. ambassador. Jodi Seth, spokeswoman for Sen. John Kerry, Senate Foreign Relations Committee chairman, said in a statement that Clinton would not testify before that committee Thursday. READ MORE Read More »

Holiday Looks Made Easy!

When it comes to holiday gatherings, there’s nothing like bringing a great date. The same can be said for your cocktail or formal attire! Whether pairing your sequin top with a pencil shirt or rhinestone trim jacket with slacks or leggings or inviting a chic metallic clutch along, you can create a simple look with minimal effort. Her are a few simple looks for your next holiday gathering. All of these looks or similar looks can be found at TJMaxx, JCPenny, and Marshall’s.   Read More »

Gabby Douglas On Newfound Wealth: ‘I Splurged On My First Louis Vuitton Bag And Louis Vuitton Shoes’

. Olympic medalist Gabby Douglas appeared on T.J. Holmes’ “Don’t Sleep” to discuss how she manages and spends her newfound wealth. From the sounds of things, she has quickly become adjusted to her new lifestyle. T.J. Holmes opened the conversation with the teen by complimenting her on her hair — the source of controversy during her victorious performance in London. He then asked her if she came to terms about what the controversy was about. She responded saying “ There’s always going to be negativity. ‘She won, but I’m going to talk about her hair.’ There’s always going to be something. I just didn’t want to focus on the negative …” She also revealed that she has caught the ‘acting bug’ and wants to get into acting. An excerpt from the interview is below:   On managing her newfound wealth: I have an agent, and my mom, we call her the momager. They kind of work together. On her first large purchase: I splurged on my first Louis Vuitton bag and my Louis Vuitton shoes. On her appearance on “Vampire Diaries”: It went very well and when I did my little acting scene it was so fun, and I’m so honored that I got to do it. I’ve been bit by the acting bug. I think I might pursue it. I really want to play like the Diva and be like “Water!” Like I think that would be so cool! I love to play like different acts like the diva, or the mean girl, the funny girl, I think it would be fun. On who she’d like to meet:  I’ve been a big fan of her for a long time. I love her dances, I dance to them. I love her personality, I just think she would be so cool to meet. And Jay-Z. Would you support Gabby on the big screen? Read More »

Man Who Stabbed His Children to Death Set Free After 3 Years

There is a lot of injustice in the world, but to Dr. Isabelle Gaston few things are more unjust that what has just happened. Gaston’s ex-husband was released from jail just three years after he stabbed their two children to death. Gaston is horrified that the court system would release a man who fatally stabbed his own children dozens of times. Gaston also fears that he might one day be able to practice medicine again in Montreal. Former cardiologist and Gaston’s ex-husband, Guy Turcotte, confessed to murdering his two children back in 2009. Turcotte stabbed his five-year-old son, Olivier, 20 times and his three-year-old daughter, Anne-Sophie, 19 times. The jury did not convict Turcotte of the murders. Turcotte claimed that he did not even remember the murders of his children. He said that he had been experiencing blackouts due to the stress from the deterioration of his marriage. His wife ended their relationship to begin a new one with her personal trainer. Turcotte got off without a conviction on the grounds of mental illness. Gaston was not satisfied with the outcome of the trial, believing that Turcotte faked mental illness to get off without a conviction. Gaston said, “We have a person that is a cardiologist that never had a psychiatric incident, not at all. I have trouble to understand how someone in five hours or six hours will do an interview of someone and have a conclusion that he is not a danger to society or is mentally insane. I have to respect [the jury's] decision but it confronts me and my values because I think they didn’t do their job.” Read More »

New Secret For Fighting Breast Cancer in Women

Everyone should be eating their fruits and veggies regularly, but if you are a woman then doing so might have a significant and positive impact on your health. A new study from Harvard Medical School shows that nutrients from fruits and vegetables known as carotenoids can help to fight cancer. Women in the study who had high carotenoid levels were at a lower risk of suffering from breast cancer. The study gathered data from different studies that had measured the carotenoid levels in women’s blood. The researchers then found that women with higher carotenoid levels are less likely than those with low carotenoid levels to develop breast cancer. The connection between these levels also seemed to be connected to those who smoked and those who did not as well as those who were overweight and those who were not. This micronutrient is know for giving fruits and vegetables their vibrant orange, yellow and red hues. Carrots, spinach, red peppers, kale and some other veggies are full of carotenoids. Increasing the carotenoid levels in your blood may help to protect you from breast cancers that do not require estrogen for growth. The results from the study shows that eating healthily may be one change that can help you avoid cancer in your future. Chief of surgical oncology at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, Stephanie Bernik, MD, said, “We have said if we want to reduce the risk of cancer — not just breast cancer — eating a plant-based diet low in fat and animal protein may help. This study, like others, suggests this is the case.” Read More »

Jada Pinkett Smith Shares Criticism From an Ex About Not Being One of the “Thick Black Girls”

One of the challenges of being a black woman is that there are so many people who criticize your body style:  You’re not thin enough, healthy enough, thick enough, tall enough, the list goes on and on.  As black women seek to determine how to be healthier while still respecting their natural physical gifts, women like Jada Pinkett Smith are sharing points of view that can be helpful. Jada stays in great shape, with the abs of a 20-year old.  She eats right and doesn’t carry around much fat.  But she admits that she has been criticized in the past for not being a “thick black girl.”  She writes about the experience candidly on her Facebook page: A letter to a friend: Many years ago, I was seeing a guy, who out of the blue one day, looked at me and said “I need you to gain some weight.” That hurt me. Bad. No matter how much I liked him, that request, was the beginning of the end. My weight, my size was something I could not change and I knew I didn’t want to be with a dude who would be yearning for something I could not be. AND…I had  no interest in spending my days killing myself trying to be the thing he desired. I am petite, slender and have been this size since high school. The media may rave about thin women, but on the street…men of color…love thick women. It has taken me YEARS to accept and love my frame. I’ve learned to work what I got, take care of it and build other attributes that out weigh what I may “lack” physically. I tell you all this because NOBODY is perfect. Not even those of us in the magazines. If your man, woman or partner can’t love you for what you are…they may not be the one for you, because… YOU are PERFECT and ENOUGH as you are. And…there is someone out there who wants nothing more than to love you for THAT. J. Read More »

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